Yet Do I Fear Thy Nature
by Mara Greengrass
Summary: Jarrod comes to see RJ with a question. RJ wishes he would go away.


Although RJ would have been the first to tell the Rangers that a Pai Zhua master is never surprised, he had to admit to himself that it wasn't really true. So when his concentration on making the perfect tomato bisque was broken by an unexpected deep voice behind him in the JKP kitchen, it took all his will to not leap in the air and come down in a fighting position.

"Jarrod," RJ said, turning around with feigned relaxation. "To what do I owe this pleasure?"

"Is it?"

"Is it what?" He wiped tomato paste off his hands onto a rag.

"A pleasure."

RJ raised his eyebrows.

"It is relevant, believe it or not," Jarrod said.

And then Jarrod actually _shuffled his feet,_ reminding RJ that possession by many-thousand-year-old evil spirit or no, Jarrod was barely older than a kid. Sighing, RJ relented. "If you need to talk, maybe we should go upstairs so we won't be disturbed."

"Thank you."

RJ didn't move, waving at Jarrod to precede him up the stairs, then following him up. After RJ had settled in his recliner, Jarrod carefully sat on Lily's favorite chair, a monstrosity in yellow that had migrated over by the televisions.

Jarrod took a breath. "Do you want me to leave?"

"Um...you just got here."

"Do you want me to leave Ocean Bluff? You're not comfortable having me around and this is your home."

RJ tilted his head and stared for a long moment. "What do you mean I'm not comfortable having you around?"

"Every time I come near you, you jump," Jarrod said, crossing his arms. "And you won't turn your back on me. Like just now on the stairs. So I came to ask-"

"What you did to offend me?" RJ snorted.

"_I know what I did!_" Jarrod almost roared and RJ couldn't help the way he flinched...and he couldn't help seeing that Jarrod noticed. Jarrod took a breath, his shoulders hunching as if he was trying to look smaller. "I know what I—what Dai Shi did. I remember all of it. I still see it in my nightmares."

RJ took a moment to slow his heart. "Then what do you want?" His voice didn't shake, but it was a close call.

"I came to ask if there was anything I could do to make you feel better. I don't...I no longer enjoy seeing fear in people's eyes."

"I'm fine."

"If my very presence upsets you so much, I don't think you are."

"A student lecturing a master. Interesting."

"I'm out of the habit of deferring to masters." Jarrod huffed out a laugh. "Casey is much less concerned with his dignity than Master Mao was."

"True."

"You can't deny I upset you."

RJ crossed his arms, feeling petulant and childish.

Jarrod sighed. "This isn't how I wanted this to go. I don't want to fight. I just want to make amends."

Narrowing his eyes, RJ found himself intrigued against his will. "You're still blaming yourself for Dai Shi's actions."

"I allowed him in," Jarrod said, his voice harsh. "I didn't fight him. Hell, I reveled in the power at first."

"You were unprepared to defend yourself against something like Dai Shi. That's not your fault."

"I didn't even try." Jarrod stared at the floor. "And it's my fault he was released in the first place, because I was an arrogant jerk."

"That still doesn't make you responsible for everything he did. Have you considered that the Order of the Claw could have avoided a lot of trouble if they'd just taken the time to put a _lock_ on that box?"

"But it was still my fault." Jarrod's laugh was halfway to a sob.

"You've been forgiven!"

Jarrod looked up. "Not by you."

RJ had trouble catching his breath. "Maybe not," he said eventually. "But you've got to forgive yourself too."

From his seat, Jarrod bowed like a student being justly chastised by his master. RJ felt a shiver go up his spine. "Why are you here?" he asked abruptly.

Jarrod didn't speak for a minute, chewing on the inside of his lip. "I did want to know if there was anything I could do to make you less...afraid."

"But the other reason. You can't possibly want me..." He couldn't even say it, as the idea was so patently ridiculous.

"To be my new master. Yes. Who else? Casey is brave and strong, true, and a good leader, but I need someone who understands."

RJ clenched a fist before consciously relaxing it. "Understands?"

"Who understands losing control. It's not entirely the same, but..."

Despite his attempt at calm, RJ felt his breath coming faster and remembered the feeling of his wolf trying to escape from his chest, a pain so deep it felt like his rib cage was trying to explode outward. He remembered being trapped in his own mind, fighting his wolf spirit, each punch or kick hurting himself further.

"Isn't it low reminding me of something you caused?" RJ asked, voice deep and angry. Jarrod winced and RJ instantly felt terrible, waving his hands in distress. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that."

"It's fine. I understand."

"But I still shouldn't have done it. A Pai Zhua master should have more control than that."

"Which is why I thought you would be able to help me."

RJ had no response to that and he leaned back in his chair, letting its familiar embrace soothe him. Staring at his hands, he tried to think clearly.

Jarrod was right, RJ realized. Unless he wanted to send Jarrod to one of the older Pai Zhua masters, he was the only one who could understand losing control of his body, and the only who could understand losing control of his animal spirit.

And if he couldn't regain control of his reaction to Jarrod's presence, well, he wasn't worthy of his master's claw, was he?

But...he was afraid. There was no getting around that. He lifted his head to look at Jarrod and once again felt himself in that arena with a roaring Dai Shi ripping the wolf out of his chest. Then being tossed at his father's feet like a chew toy for an angry lion. Powerless, frightened, uncertain.

"There aren't many things that truly frighten me," RJ said eventually.

Jarrod sensibly waited, staying very still.

"Dai Shi scared the hell out of me."

"Me too," Jarrod said softly.

RJ managed a small grin at that. "You-he threw me around like I was nothing, even after I became a Ranger. He nearly killed me several times. It frightened me, I'm ashamed to say."

"You shouldn't be ashamed." Jarrod leaned forward. "Dai Shi was terrifyingly powerful. I should know."

"I had to appear fearless for the other Rangers." His smile twisted. "They needed me to be the all-knowing, mysterious master."

"Perhaps they did. But not now."

RJ started to speak and then blinked.

"Dai Shi has been defeated and they are the masters now. The academy is in good hands."

"That's...true."

"It's difficult for you to stop being their teacher."

"I suppose." RJ laughed quietly. "But you're correct. They're masters in their own right."

"They don't need your help now, but I do." Jarrod leaned forward and RJ held himself completely still. "I need your help with the lion. He came out to defeat Dai Shi, but I've lost the easy connection I had before."

"Part of you is pushing him away."

"I...yes, probably." Clasping his hands, Jarrod chewed his lip again. "I don't know how to trust myself again."

"And you think I do."

"I hope so."

RJ studied him, trying to see the young man rather than the dangerous beast. It was more difficult than it should have been, but eventually there was just a dark-haired young man in jeans and a t-shirt holding his hands together trying to disguise the way they were trembling.

"I need a promise first."

Jarrod looked cautiously hopeful. "Yes?"

"Promise you won't call me master. And don't bow. I hate people bowing to me." RJ smiled at his new student. "It makes me twitchy."

"I think I can manage under those restrictions." Jarrod smiled back. "So when do we start?"

"Right now." RJ stood, waving at Jarrod to join him as he walked toward the steps. "Let's go downstairs and make some pizza."

"Pizza?"

"Trust me."

"I do. Do you trust me?"

RJ paused. "To my surprise, I find I do. Now...pizza. Maybe this is the time to attempt the Mt. Kilimanjaro again. Vinegar in the tomato sauce and baking soda with the cheese?"

-end-


End file.
